dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
