just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
