Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
