I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
