please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
