remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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