WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
