have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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