College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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