hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
