His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
