My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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