And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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