What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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