Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
