No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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