I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
