From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
