mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
