He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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