her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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