The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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