So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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