I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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