2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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