Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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