Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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