My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
