you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
