In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
