i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
