if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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