Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
