I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
