Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
