She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
