Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
