Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
