Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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