I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
