I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
