i barfeds in our rink
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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