In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
