U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
