The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
