It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
