I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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