I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
