he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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