Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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