if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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