I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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